Hello and welcome to project healthy, happy, whole. This is the beginning of my personal journey towards inner-peace and self-fulfillment. I should start this story with a little background information and a confession. For starters, my name is Sheena, I'm a seemingly-normal 27 year-old woman who is interested in music, literature, cats, yoga, gardening, cooking and other semi-domestic things. I am married to the love of my life, my childhood best friend and we currently share a quaint little abode with my dear father while hubby and I save for our first home. Outwardly, things appear OK. Outwardly, things appear normal-enough. It's the inside where things start to get messy. I had a tough childhood, my best friend, my mother and my aunt all died in tragic ways when I was young. I was exposed to things no child should have to witness, but that isn't what this is about. This is about the struggle. What struggle you may ask?
Well, that's where the confession comes in. my name is Sheena, I'm a seemingly-normal 27 year-old woman who is interested in music, literature, cats, yoga, gardening, cooking and other semi-domestic things. I am married to the love of my life, my childhood best friend and although I think I deserve to be happy, I have struggled my entire life with extreme anxiety and depression. Have you felt anxiety or depression in your life? My guess is that you probably have. I think a little anxiety is normal. However, I don't think it's normal to realize you haven't been anywhere other than work and the grocery store in almost six weeks...... I think I'm agoraphobic but I'm too afraid to find out (that's a bad joke, I'm clearly agoraphobic) You see, the problem is that the world and its problems are so BIG and I am so small. I often feel like I have no control over my life and the events that affect me.
Sometimes I feel helpless. OK- more often than not, I feel helpless. I've seen doctors and therapists and the whole lot of offerings of modern medicine and I believe that in many cases, with mental health, medication can be a blessing. In my situation, that is not the case. I've tried SSRIs, I've tried MAOIs, I've tried benzos and all kinds of other drugs that doctors and therapists want to throw at me. Each individual will experience different reactions and I am by no means saying, "stop taking your meds" but for me... I felt it was time to stop. I was prescribed Clonazepam for FOUR YEARS, two years for the duration of my mother's illness and two years after her death. I don't want to wander around in a medicated haze anymore. Sure, the medication can help me trick my brain into thinking I'm happy... but here's the thing. Slowly, very slow, I started to realize.... I wasn't happy, I was simply not unhappy. Now, I know what you're thinking.... that's silly and rhetorical, not to mention, she used bad grammar.... but that's the fun of rhetoric, you can use bad grammar to help explain your point. I was not depressed while on my medication, but I was not happy either. I felt just like that little black and white blob on the paxil commercial. I was just blobbing along at my life, not doing anything of real consequence.
So, I stopped taking my medication. It's been miserable. I'm not going to lie. There were times when I became physically ill. I'm still not completely free, but I am getting there. This is why I started Project Healthy, Happy, Whole! I have found moments of real joy and peace since stopping my medication. I have started feeling sincere emotions again and I want to document my journey to inner-peace. Even if your battle with anxiety and depression is not as severe as mine, I hope you can still benefit from my posts. The idea of Project Healthy, Happy, Whole! is to discover the things that make me truly happy and share them with all of you. I plan to post about the things that make me smile. So expect posts about health, fitness, meditation, mindfulness, deliberate practice, motivation theory, healthy lifestyles, healthy cooking, the occasional sweet treat, books, gardening, frugal living, cat memes and other simple joys. Anything goes here as long as it brings happiness. I have found there are so many wonders upon this blue and green planet that my mind cannot fathom them all. I hope to experience joy in the simple things. I hope to find peace and I hope to share it with you.
Until tomorrow,
Here's to being Healthy, Happy and Whole!
-Sheena Suzanne VanSandt
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